Sorry for the delay in this post.
Last week I was sitting at lunch by myself (Philly's Best - Mushroom Cheese Steak, no onion... mmmm). I often go to lunch by myself to spend some time with God, and read scripture and this book I'm reading for a devotional (Walking with God).
Anyway, so I'm sitting outside on the patio, earphones in my ear listening to Christian music, reading a section of my book...
You know, to fully appreciate this, I need to go tangent. (Remember... I'm long-winded, people... have you forgotten already?)
It was a horrible day. For no reason whatsoever, I was particularly short-tempered on that day. Everything annoyed me. As a matter of fact, on that very lunch break, while walking to Philly's Best, I was talking to Wendy on the phone and I basically gave her severe attitude and bit her head off for no reason. Yes, it was one of those days.
So yeah, I was "emotional" in general, and I was actually aware of it (I called Wendy back about 5 min after we hung up to apologize because I realized the state I was in). Totally playing into the emotions was this book... the particular chapter I was reading described the death of their family dog. It was simply a book, but I was already in a hyper-emotional state, so then reading something of the sort had me a bit choked up - not exactly crying, but tight chested and such.
So I finish the section of the book, pray a bit, and open my bible. I wasn't too into the scripture for the day, mostly because I wasn't emotionally prepared to hear what God wanted me to hear.
That background is important to the story because my sensitive state plays a big role in my 45 seconds with Carl Schumacher.
Carl is a sweet-looking, tall, skinny and frail but hardened, sun-kissed, slightly "white-trash" appearing older man (maybe 52-ish). I was sitting reading my Bible, when Carl "approached" me - that is to say, he kinda glanced my way from a short distance off as I looked up and I could tell he wanted to say something but didn't want to bother me. I took my earphones out of my ears which was the invitation to speak with me, and so he approached, while doing so, removing his worn ball-cap.
Given the nature of the encounter, Carl did one of the two things I expected of him to do - 1. ask for directions, or 2. ask for money. He chose option #2. Here's the thing... I get people asking me for money all the time, and I'm not particularly phased by it. Normally, I either really have no cash on me, or I only have high-value bills and no desire to break it, so I give them the "Shucks, sorry" approach. On a good day, I'll have a $5 or less, and give em that.
What made Carl different was his demeanor and need. See, Carl has a job... he works for MTA as a bus mechanic or something (I can't exactly remember). The thing is, he's unable to pay for his bills/needs right now and he needed to simply get through another week until he gets his next paycheck. It's not too interesting or surprising of a story, right?
Perhaps my unstable emotions played into it, and Carl just had good timing. I know he had no knowledge of my state of mind, nor could he likely see that I was reading the Bible, given the way I had it in my lap. Carl just needed help. What made him touch me so deeply was his manner... I can't remember the last time I've seen someone so embarrassed, and uncomfortable, and hurting-yet-needy as Carl. He fumbled with his hat in his hands as he stared dejectedly at the ground while asking for help. (He even gave me his name and showed my his California drivers license and MTA work card, in order to prove that he was who he said he was, as if that somehow made it better, since, you know, clearly my suspicion of him using identity fraud in his story would keep me from giving him any assistance, or from perhaps calling the cops on him for being a fraud :-) )
Simply put, I could tell he had no desire to actually be asking for help, but I could also tell that he was really hurting. He was super embarrassed, and nervous, and quiet. Like I said, it's also possible I was just in a really wacked emotional state.
I had $40 bucks on me (2x $20) and I gave it all to him. (Don't be pissed, Wendy. I know we need to save money). He got a little emotional (maybe my emotional disease was contagious?) and thanked me and left. 45 seconds, and $40. That's all it was. But I just gave a guy $40! You'd think I'd be feeling good...
...but I felt like crap. I know we're in a recession, so people in his situation are everywhere. His story is not exactly "abnormal". I'm buying a new house, and I'm worried about different expenses, etc. - and here's a guy who's barely hanging on... a nice guy too from the very brief time I knew him. I shouldn't be so self-absorbed.
The thing is... this thought ran through my head, but wasn't the source of my "crappy-ness". What bothered me was that, almost immediately after giving him the money, and Carl began to walk away, God told me, "What are you doing? Call him back. You're ignoring the bigger picture."
I knew this to be true. I had done a good deed, but God didn't want me to give him money... well, maybe I was supposed to give him money, but I wasn't supposed to simply give Carl money. Carl was hurting, and God wanted me to ask Carl how he was doing - if he was OK.
The money would help get Carl through the week, but it wouldn't provide any lasting comfort or healing. I heard God say this as Carl was only 20 feet from me... and I kept my mouth shut.
Quite a few thoughts ran through my head as I watched Carl walk away. For starters, asking the question would mean I'd need to be prepared to listen to the answer. Additionally, Carl was now a good distance away, and though realistically no one would think twice about it - Carl did not look homeless, and no one was aware of the nature of our encounter - I felt foolish about calling after him to come back.
I had been so touched by Carl, and now I allowed Satan to step right in and overshadow Carl's need with exhaustion, fear, embarrassment, and selfishness. In a split second. Just like that!
I missed out on a hug opportunity for blessing in my life, and Carl missed out too, because I wasn't prepared to be a man of influence in someone else's life. More than that, it cost me $40 bucks, and I have nothing to show for it.
I felt like crap, and now I also felt guilty (yup, Satan just kept piling it on). I watched Carl walk away, and then went back to my Bible. I couldn't even focus on it though, because of this relentless voice in my head... "Seriously God! Do you mind?! Can't you see that I'm trying to have my quiet time here? Sheesh!" Since I couldn't focus, I decided to pray more instead. Once again, here I was praying all these great, important things to God, and He was being so rude and kept interrupting me with this other conversation!
I gave up, and decided to walk back to work. I told God, if I saw Carl again, I'd try to talk to him. Sure enough, about 20 seconds later, I saw Carl sitting at the bus-stop waiting on the bus. I continued walking to work.
I convinced myself that I had done a good deed and I should be proud of that. I didn't write about it over the weekend because I wasn't in the mood. On Monday, during lunch, I read this in my book. It's a long passage so feel free to skim if you want, but it's really applicable and good. I think God was wanting me to wait to write until I had read this:
Give them to me - Walking With God, By John Eldridge"One of the most profound surprises that has come about through walking with God has been with regard to people.
People make up a very large part of our lives. We're surrounded by people. We deal with others every day, from the driver in front of us, to the waitress in the cafe, to the gal in the next office, to those who share our homes. And they are nearly always, one way or another, in some sort of need. Or crisis. Or self-inflicted drama. And one of the great dangers for the person who has begun to desire to please Christ is that we simply let our conscience be our guide in relating to others. We tend to jump in, as opposed to walking with God. Either we give too much or too little, or we offer what is needed, but at the wrong time.
It would be a revealing study to look at the way Jesus relates to people in the Gospel stories. Sometimes he stops midstride to offer a word or a kindness to what seems to me to be a pretty minor character, someone I think I would have ignored. Other times he ducks for cover, dodges an encounter completely (see Luke 5:12-16). He possesses a freedom toward others I find myself longing for.
What would happen if we began to ask Jesus what
he is saying when it comes to the people in your life?
Jason needs a place to stay. Some of us would simply offer that, without first asking Christ. Some of us would not even consider offering it. But did you ask Christ? Nancy is in need of prayer. My inclinations is to jump in. But I stop and ask God,
What would you have me pray? Sometimes he will then direct my prayers, and I know I am praying far more effectively because I am praying his will, rather than simply praying my thoughts or desires for the person. Or even their requests. Other times he will say,
It's covered. No need to pray here. And so I am able to let it go. Ben is asking for some time with me. I stop and ask God,
Should I offer here? Sometimes he will say yes, sometimes no, and sometimes
Not now. But more often than any other guidance, what I hear God saying to me when I ask about a person is,
Give them to me. This response has been consistently counterintuitive, and utterly refreshing.
I know I'm not alone in this bent I have to carry people. I'll worry about them in the night.
Do my folks have enough money? I'll get paranoid about what someone thinks of me.
Maybe I shouldn't have said that to Gary, maybe he's mad at me. I'll find myself having conversations with them even though they are not there.
You know, your daughter wouldn't be so lost if you'd just spend more time with her. I'll feel as though I am not offering enough.
You ought to call Jim. At times I think I see what is needed and assume I'm supposed to offer it.
I think I'd better get together with Kyle. How do we navigate all our relationships? What is it that currently guides you when it comes to relating to the people in your life?
Our tendency is to go with whatever it is we're feeling. It is not a reliable guide. We run with the speculation, or the worry, guilt, or sense of obligation. Or we give way to the irritation, the malaise, or the desire to write them off. We find ourselves over-committed or entangled in their drama. Then we resent people as a category because we're spent. And the reason?
We never asked God about it.
Again today my battle was to worry about Sally.
Did we do enough? Are we going to lose all the we gained? But I caught myself obsessing, stopped and asked,
What about Sally, Lord? And he said,
Give her to me. Right. Okay. I'm worrying. Let her go. Accepting this is an act of humility - I am not as indispensable as I thought. She needs God more than me. It is an act of faith - that God will come through for her. He'll take care of it. It is an act of release. And I find that when I give people to God, it opens up an amazing amount of space in my life. For Him."
