To Speak or not to Speak...

First off, sorry Carrie. I know you like pictures, but this topic really doesn't have any pictures to associate with. However, I don't want to leave you hanging, so I've added some gratuitous photos below.




Ok, so I've previously mentioned how I don't feel I contribute much to conversation any more. Sure, I talk - but much of what I say is of little interest, is word vomit (gossip, etc.), or is redundant.

Don't get me wrong, I do have intelligent conversation at times. It's just that most of the time I feel is wasted speech. I didn't use to feel this way. I use to feel like I was a healthy contibutor to conversation. Now, I feel like I don't have much input that people care for.

I feel like many of my friendships have become more shallow than in the past, and I largely feel like I'm to blame. Do I really only have old memories and stories to rehash over and over and over? Is that really the sum of my personality?

I'm not "totally down on myself" or anything. I know I'm a good person, and I can be fun to be around. However, reflecting on this past year, I don't feel like I've had much worth saying... and truthfully, often I simply sat in a group and said nothing. Comfortable silences have become uncomfortable.

My blog is called "The Long Winded" and it's often been a running joke that I am, indeed, Long-winded. This has never ever bothered me. I am long-winded. However, once again reflecting on the past year, I've noticed how much I tend to get interrupted. This used to bother me because I felt an injustice was being done. With it's frequency though, I've come to realize that it largely is not about those interrupting me, but rather because what I've had to say really does have little importance. Where being "long-winded" was once a joke to me, I've now begun to see it as a fault.

Truthfully, I'll always be long-winded. I inherited it from my mother. I tell so many details, most of which don't "really" matter to the story. That's in my nature... and it's not what I'm discussing here. What I'm talking about here is running my mouth... what Proverbs calls being a fool.

I feel like somewhere along the way, I lost sight of the important things in people's lives. What makes you interesting (and valuable) to others is in fact how invested you are in the other person - not how much you know (or believe you know), or how funny you are (or believe you are), or how cool your job or things are. I truly love my friends, but somewhere I stopped investing in them. At some point I began to be shallow.

As a result, what I have to say is less interesting.

This leads me to my personal self-improvement New Year's Resolution for 2010. Do I speak more, or do I speak less?

Certainly, when I say "speak more", I don't mean adding more lousy content. Rather I mean speak-up more, ask more questions, inquire into people's lives. This may not add more "David" to the conversation, but it may add more "value".

On the other hand, maybe I should take a vow of silence. Not in the "traditional" sense, but in the "don't speak unless it is important" sense. Maybe what I do say should be limited to words that have value - words that are wise, encouraging, and loving. Simply leave out the filler.

How important is "filler" anyway? The life of the party is often the loudest. They can also quickly get annoying, but they certainly are the life of the party for a little bit. Is there an importance to a certain amount of word vomit?

I'm still not sure which direction to go this year. Whatever the case, 2009 was a great year for me learning, but was a piss-poor year of me contributing. I hope to make 2010 much different.