Convicted

Yesterday God reminded me that I need Him. Sometimes, He does this through wise words spoken from someone you trust. Sometimes, often He'll do this in the midst of a dramatic event in our lives.

Yesterday was like neither of these. Yesterday, He simply spoke to me. "You need me". That's what He said. And it rang true. As if He yelled it in a hollow canyon and it reverberated throughout the air all around me - yet silent like a whisper as if His lips were brushing my ear. "You need me."

I do.

It's true. I need Him, and yet, so often of late - no that's not accurate - for awhile now, I've been avoiding Him. Not so blatantly as to tell Him to go away. It was more like when you receive a Voicemail on your phone asking you to call someone back, and then you just never get to it.

I want to be a hero. I want to be honorable. I want to be shrewd, intelligent, knowledgeable, honest, wise, endearing, brave - Kingly. I want my legacy, my name, to carry weight. To have value. How many kings of Israel were compared to King David in the Bible? I want my name to be like that - "but he did not Honor God like David did."

I want to be an example.

Yesterday God spoke to me, and I heard Him. When He knew I heard Him, He then, like a gentle, wise counselor, convicted me.

You see, I had a idea which I shared with you yesterday. It's a nice idea. A Great Idea. And then God slid a book across the table. No words were spoken. Just the passing of a book, with a soft, compassionate, yet saddened smile. The title of the book was "David Wilson's Great Ideas". When I opened the book, the pages contained my best ideas... all these ideas that would certainly make a difference, earn me a reputation such as the one I described above, and would glorify God at the same time. Real work, doing great things for The Kingdom. Along those pages also were included all the encouraging comments and praises I've received for those ideas. And, at the end of each idea was a section with a single square box, and the word "Completed" in gray.

As I flipped through the pages, I noticed one glaring thing: None of the square boxes were checked.

I knew. When he gave me the book, I didn't even need to look in it. I knew at once what He was telling me, but I looked anyway.

God told me two things yesterday, in 2 totally different ways. I was convicted.

But He wasn't done.

I've told anyone who's ever been interested (on perhaps not interested) that my ultimate goal is to be a philanthropist. I've always wanted to make a ton of money so I could give it away. You know, REALLY make a difference.

The funny thing is, I've also told many people that I think it's too easy to simply give money. It's such a "rich-man's", "Newport Beach" style of good will. It's detached. It's a quick high, but short. Like going to church on Sunday's, just to tell yourself you've gone, but not taking anything with you from the experience into your week. Unless you've ever gotten your hands dirty, you can never really connect with the cause you're supporting, because you haven't connected with the people being helped. Once you go - once you've seen it with your own eyes, and been a part of God's movement; only then do you really understand. Only then do you actually receive the full gift of which God intends to bless you.

I've never noticed how contradictory my goals and my opinions were, until yesterday. He began to speak, and I sat and listened. It was like putting contacts in your eyes to reveal the things your conscious mind can't see clearly, but your subconscious knows the truth of. Perhaps, my philanthropy is not made of the money I will give, but rather the time I'll invest. It's just as valuable (perhaps more so), and the return is far greater.

He then handed me a magazine; this one a copy of Costco's business magazine, and turned it to a spread about TOMS shoes, an article which I've read before (read it here). He pointed out the differences between Blake Mycoski (TOMS founder) and myself. I'm like the kid that gets back from church camp all fired up, but then gets lost in daily life and loses the fire I started with. Or like the person that makes the New Years Resolution to exercise, and start off with fervor. But then after the first 2 weeks, when the real pain starts to set in, they stop going to gym.

He reminded me that the truly successful entrepreneurs/leaders are the ones who don't fail once the initial wave of excitement and passion wane. They're the ones who, when they find inspiration, focus on the goal and simply push toward it. They don't let the monotony of daily life, or the hurdles along the way distract them. Like a football team that simply focuses on 3 yards every play instead of relying on a single hail-mary to score a touchdown.

I was convicted.

"You need Me." I do need Him. And for this, I really need Him. Because, this isn't about my legacy. This isn't about my name. This isn't about my Glory. It's about His.

The qualities I mentioned before sound good, but I've got it all wrong. A King, a great King, isn't self-serving. There's a quality I didn't mention before, that is necessary for the others to be genuine. Humility. It's directly juxtaposed to the idea of reaching for the other qualities.

I need God. I need Him for ME. And I need for my "great" ideas. You can't have ideas that glorify God, if you don't include Him in them. I can't stay focused on my "plans", without Him, because the "purpose" is absent.

I'm sorry God. I'm sorry for ignoring you lately. I'm also sorry for trying to steal your thunder... because my "great ideas" aren't MINE at all.

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As I write this post, it isn't at all ending the way I intended when I started. It WAS originally entitled "ConvictION", not "ConvictED". I had intended to end with a new conviction to follow through, and accomplish these "great ideas". While, that idea remains, I realized as I wrote that there was something deeper going on, and God was still talking. I wrote what I was being told, and the "final" (I say that loosely) message is different that what I had thought. I'm not sure that He's done either. I'll keep you posted (pun TOTALLY intended ;-P ).